I finished going through the resources of stage 1 in the Awakening to Reality blog along with the related chapter in the practice guide. At this point I realize I may need to spend quite some time in this stage without rushing to study the materials of the next stages just yet. All the pointers outlined in this stage made it pretty clear as to what one should realize at this stage. I understood it intellectually but the actual insight and realization haven’t come yet. I decided to drop off any urgency to progress to further stages and simply practice the techniques in the first stage at my own pace. 

Peering Into The Source

Overall the guide material puts together all the pointers from the supplementary materials fairly well. So for future stages I will probably study the guide first and then use the supplementary materials to get clarification on anything that isn’t fully clear. 

The use of koans is emphasized in the guide as a proper way to realize the “I am”. The state of stillness that gets achieved by calming down the thoughts is simply a preparatory step before one can turn their attention on itself and peer into its source. That is when the proper realization is supposed to happen, it’s supposed to come from within and when it happens it is unmistakable. The intense peering into the source of one’s experiences is the core of the practice of this stage.

First Glimpses and Old Doubts

Intuitively, I already started getting some glimpses into the realization but I feel there might be some subconscious resistance to it. The realization of all existing as you sounds equal parts shocking, confusing, unreal, amazing. It’s not possible to imagine knowing and feeling it to be 100% true but these teachings and realized followers insist on finding these things to be real and true.

Ultimately, it is this curiosity for knowing what is actually real and true that’s been driving me forward. However, I can’t help but think about why these realizations are hidden in the first place. Am I supposed to discover them or rediscover them? Are they hidden for a good reason and I am better off not finding out? I feel the fear working against curiosity at this point as some kind of survival mechanism started giving me anxiety about these explorations.

A lot of these thoughts and trepidations are irrational but in the realm of spiritual exploration it’s difficult to tell up from down, especially once you have been exploring a good amount of things over the years. The sturdiness of reality as it is would be comforting once you find it out for yourself beyond the shadow of a doubt but it seems like on the way there one must wade through a plethora of illusions and tests that nobody really can even validate except yourself. I also get an impression that a lot of instructions are made purposefully vague because the truth they are pointing out is so ridiculous that stating it on its own is useless and even counterproductive. 

The Path To Realization

The path lies through the dissolution of the ego and acceptance of the identity of the true Self. At this point I still have many misconceptions and misunderstandings about the nature of the ego, the Self, and their relationship. How can I be the ego now but then through some kind of change be the Self that encompasses… everything? Including the ego? The mechanics, semantics, and everything else around this topic is still confusing to me. I don’t think about these questions too much because I already know thinking about them doesn’t bring one closer to the truth, hence I rely on consistent practice and hope that it brings me to the realization. 

The fact that practice itself can take years or lifetimes isn’t helping with optimisms and motivation. In many methods and paths the earnestness of effort and will of inquiry is emphasised but dialing these up feels very ungrounding to me. To the point that I start to forget how to be in society if I up my focus on these practices. That in itself is a double edged sword because I’m not a monk and although I thought about it several times, in the final analysis I don’t think I would be able to stay with the rigidity of a monk’s life for long. 

There seem to be several phases and types of experiences within this stage that include God-realization: “I and all beings/things are being lived by the one cosmic life and intelligence, the Source of being and will.” And this is just stage 1 out of 10. I understand that all of this isn’t an exact science and more like rough areas on the map but the fact that you are realizing Godhood on stage 1 makes me worried about the things that are going to be realized by stage 10 🙂 Makes me think back to the mantra I’ve coined for myself that is somehow soothing in such circumstances: “Anything can be”.